Friday 3 February 2012

Bridget Stan Laurel Jones


Last week my fairy godmother fluttered in my direction, preened her wings and winked before tapping my typing fingers with the wand brought out especially for Dream Jobs. Would I like my own double page spread of book reviews? Now, we’re not talking a glossy national here, more a regional bi-monthly, but it’s already very professional and is undergoing a re-vamp so who says we can’t persuade it to punch above its weight?
Would I like a double page spread?
Reviews ready to go, I set about writing the requested 300 word biography. I looked through a couple of previous ‘About Me’ pieces with a squint and a squirm.
I needed to start from scratch and when the page still remained blank after ten minutes I did what any dedicated home-worker does, I put on my trainers and went for a run. It was cold. Excellent! It meant I could choose the ‘boggy route’ and trot over the peaks of frozen mud. Not so. The whole of Yorkshire was in the grip of ice and thick frost, it would appear, except for this particular path which I can only assume was in its own ozone-destroyed, micro-climate. I slid from edge to edge, sometimes gliding like a cross country skier, three times falling flat on my face. But I was quite happy, doubly so because I was also thinking about my piece: just what am I like?
Splattered in mud by this point, I came across a five-barred gate wedged into a bank of sludge and, rather than try to prise the gate open, decided it would be easier to go over the top.  My foot slipped on a rung, however, and sent me somersaulting over the highest bar. Thankfully the other foot got caught on the way over and stopped me nose-diving into the bog below. Hanging vertically from the top, staring down at the mud, I knew that whatever happened, I was not falling into that. Knowing me, the mud would probably be masking a six foot bunker and I’d die a most embarrassing death, with the added disappointment of never being able to recount my story.
Eventually extricated from the gate, having winched myself hand by hand back up to the top, much to the bemusement of a seemingly enormous herd of cows, I dusted myself down and thanked my fairy godmother for staying around long enough to ensure I emerged from another little scrape relatively unscathed.
That’s when I had my answer. What am I like? I am cross between Bridget Jones and Stan Laurel (the little half who was away with the fairies). Other people seem to manage to leave the house and come back looking remarkably similar to when they left. Not me! If I’m not sporting blood or mud, it’s an embarrassed hue.
Only a few days previously, there was the parking ticket incident. I saw the yellow sticker in disbelief and peered through the windscreen to find my parking disk lying in the footwell, the victim of an over-zealous door slamming.
‘Hello,’ I cried, ‘please can you help?’ The parking inspector wandered over, a small man with an engaging smile wearing a black uniform which was slightly more relaxed than I’d have expected, but still with the familiar peaked cap. I told him I was aware that everyone must say this kind of thing but asked if I could just point out the parking disk on the floor and demonstrate that the door was still locked. I showed him my key by way of authentication.
 ‘That’s most unfortunate,’ the man concurred with an Eastern European lilt to his accent, ‘I wish I could help you ma’am,’ he added, notably pointing his electronic gismo in the direction of the parking ticket, and staring intently at the orange package affixed to my windscreen as if he was trying to read it.
‘But I’m just the delivery man’.
So there you have it. That’s me. Bridget Stan Laurel Jones, happy to be alive and grateful to fairy godmothers for all sorts of reasons.
Have a great week – be careful out there…

17 comments:

  1. Really funny, Jackie! It's a sad truth that if you want to make people laugh, it's often at the expense of your own dignity – unless you write about other people, of course, and make a fool of them. I must say, I'd rather do it your way.
    Your writing skills always emerge clearly from your blog posts, making them a real joy to read.
    Shared on FB and Tweeted.

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  2. ... and the bio? Did you get it done? Does it include reference to your gymnastic abilities?! Hope you are fully recovered now.

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    1. Hey Skyblue, I did get it done and I did make reference to my slapstick adventures, seemed the only right thing to do at the time :) Only a few bruises left as evidence now. Thanks for reading!

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  3. Absolutely love it! I pictured every word of that! Damn bad luck on the parking ticket situ! Stay upright!

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    1. Thanks Antonia :) Even better than staying upright, I won't move from the chair at my pc, that should be safe (until a leg mysteriously breaks at a most inopportune moment...??)

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  4. Thanks Gerry, I'm glad you enjoyed my escapade - I was a bit worried it might have been a, you-had-to-be-there episode so I'm glad it came across, phew! And thanks for sharing on FB and Twitter and for your lovely comments, quite made my day!

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  5. Oh Jax only you could make this sound so laugh out loud funny, and to see the whole thing so positively.It was brilliant, am still giggling a day after having read it and the world seems a much nicer place for having you in it. Excellent writing and keep up the good work. Positive thoughts +++ about the reviewing job, sounds perfect for you.

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  6. You know with that kind of acrobatic ability you might want to keep yourself avilable for the 2012 Olympics? This is exactly the sort of thing that happens to me, except I like my embarrassments to be a little more public. like in the school playground for example. Love your blog, a great find! Thanks for making me laugh ab=fter being stuck in bed woth a migraine all morning.

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    1. Ha ha! I feel there may be a story in your playground embarrassments? Do share! Very happy to have made you laugh but sorry about your migraine, horrible things. Thanks for reading and your kind words.

      PS nice thought but, alas, I have so much writing to do, I really don't think I can fit in the Olympics this time...

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  7. I truly thought you'd stopped blogging because your posts don't show up on my blogger list, so I'm really glad I came checking up on you - not least because you've provided me with a most welcome giggle!

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    1. Hi Annalisa, glad to make you giggle and thanks for checking up on me! I'm slightly alarmed my posts aren't showing up on your list, though, and somebody else said the same. I wonder if a bug has crept into my settings. Will check it out. I hesitate to say this but would it help to subscribe to email alerts? Thanks for reading!

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    2. It's not just yours, I'm missing others that I know should be there. I've just added you all to my blog-roll because I know they always appear there.

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    3. They do have funny turns, these blogger sites. Great that you've added mine to your blog roll, though :) Thanks!

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  8. I loved this blog and it made me laugh out loud (not LOL - far too old for that) and I giggled about it all day long! The opportunity to do the double page spread sounds great, good luck with it. Onwards and upwards.
    PS Had a problem commenting, I thought it had done it and then it disappeared for some reason unknown to me. Computers eh?

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  9. Ah Lyn, that's great, I'm glad it made you laugh! (No LOLs for me either, perish the thought). I'll keep you posted on the double page spread. I'm already panicking that my tastes are too girly and I'll upset the male readers - need to put that right over the next few weeks! Thanks for reading!

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  10. I've just found this blog and like all the others I had a good laugh at your expense,(sorry) As for that,"job's worth" What goes around comes around and one day it might be him would needs some give and take.

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    1. He he, Cassam, glad I made you smile. Thank so much for dropping by and for following. I see you've just started a blog. I shall go there right now and have a peep!

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